


Scars & Sleeves

by The_Silent_Writer



Category: Pacific Rim (2013)
Genre: "You are not alone in life", "friends" to lovers, 'Closure', After the Breach closes, Angst, Avoidance, Closure, Cuddles, Double Entendres, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, First Time, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Jumping the gun, M/M, Miscommunication, Post-Breach, Smut is a thing, Soup for the Kaiju Groupie soul, That may or may not be bad depending on the person or the day and time, childhoods, everything is okay, lab partners to for realzies partners, oh jeez
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-02-27
Updated: 2015-07-19
Packaged: 2018-03-15 11:03:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3444713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Silent_Writer/pseuds/The_Silent_Writer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Hermann and Newt drift, Hermann sees more than he could have imagined. This leads to confusion, hurting hearts, and eventual confessions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

It is terrifying how one thing can consume one’s mind, make everything else obsolete.

 

The world was in the heat of a war soon to be won. They knew how to stop the Kaiju, they were cancelling the apocalypse! And yet all of that paled in comparison to the knowledge Hermann had been shown through the drift. His attention, with jaws fiercer than any kaiju, refused to release this new information from its ghastly maw.

Newton Geiszler, his lab mate of ten years, whom he would even dare to call his companion… Cuts.

The drift showed Hermann that Newton hadn’t as of late, the battle of probabilities and xenobiology they were fighting had been heading towards such a crucial point. It had kept Newton’s mind satiated so far. But on those late nights, when the dreaded lull in their work and theories showed its face, Newton would crumble and break until he felt he had no choice but to acquaint himself with the pair of scissors he kept stowed away in the back of his night stand.

It was the realization that he had not _known_ about this until that very moment that made Hermann’s blood boil. He could never unsee those cerulean wisps of memories that were not his own, flitting through his mind’s eye as the two doctors had drifted.

And while the rage pooling in his gut crawled up his throat, while he kneeled and prayed to a porcelain god in the streets of Hong Kong, when Newton was next to him to hand him a handkerchief with a small, sad smile…

Hermann could feel his own heart breaking.

But now wasn’t the time for _feelings_. Now was the time for action

They needed to get to the ‘Dome.

They had an apocalypse to cancel.


	2. Chapter 2

There was nothing in the way of a true “celebration” in the ‘Dome once the clock was stopped. There were the cheers from the crew men and women, congratulations to the surviving pilots when they had returned, but nothing like one would expect. No huge party filled with laughter and drinks, only an island filled with exhausted workers ready to go home and see their families. The euphoria of winning wore off quicker when the realization of how purely devastated this world had become washed over the PPDC.

There was a silence that shrouded the ‘Dome for a week after the closing of the Breach. Noses were kept firmly to the grindstone in an attempt to pull the sense of loss back and push mitigation forward. Plans were made. Plans for a new life, a new civilization. A safer one.

During this time, neither doctor slept. Hermann ran tests on dozens upon dozens of hypotheses for the likelihood of a new Breach spawning in the depths of any and every notable body of water on God’s green Earth, and while those probabilities were being run through a computer he offered himself over to the Reconstruction Team, meant to aid and find both stable and resource-efficient ways to rebuild desolated cities and towns all over the world. When the Team wasn’t in session, he busied himself with nearly anything he could think of.

And by the end of the first week after Closure he had moved into another laboratory.

Newt kept himself busy with the new specimens that were brought to him on a near daily basis. The one thing he really liked about kaiju: they always had something new to tell him. They kept his mind’s attention with all their secrets that hours would pass and he’d still be finding something new about one specimen. When his arms and legs grew too tired to stand or even hold a scalpel, he would fridge his samples and sit on their sofa in the corner of their lab and continue with his research papers and findings logs until he regained feeling in his appendages.

Well… it _used_ to be their sofa… _used_ to be their lab.

But Hermann was gone now. Not gone-forever gone, just down the hall in the K-Sci sector. But even that much of a distance was enough to have Newt’s heart tugging at the seams. What once felt like a cozy little nest of maths and science, filled with equations, kaiju guts, and the smell of tea and chalk dust now felt like an empty cavern that reeked of formaldehyde and ammonia.

Newt desperately wanted to know why Hermann had just up and left him so suddenly. He had thought them drifting would have brought them closer together. In a way it did. They had been inside each other’s minds. They saw memories from each other’s past. Hell, Newt could swear he still _felt_ Hermann mucking about in his brain sometimes. It was an odd sensation, like Hermann was still there even though there was about 500 feet of cement between them now.

He wondered if this was how it felt for pilots. Like their partner was never gone. But really, Hermann might as well be gone, might as well be the Yancy to his Raleigh, the Chuck to his Herc… Because when Hermann left without warning, a part of Newt went with him.

 

The ‘Dome did well in regards to protecting its people from the onslaught of reporters for as long as it could. It wasn’t until the second week after Closure that press began to swarm the piers that kept civilization away from the mechanical deviations and hidden experiments. Each and every reporter pushed and shoved their competition in hopes of getting the first interview with the heroes who saved the world.

It wasn’t until the third week that the masses realized the men and women from K-Sci and J-Tech had something to do with it too.

Hermann welcomed the extra week. It gave him more time to throw himself into his work and forget about the outside world.

Newton was dreading it. Sure, working kept his mind busy – at ease – but the coming week would be full of unfamiliar faces behind microphones and camera lenses. And while that was typically Newt’s aesthetic, giving him the opportunity to preen his massive intellect in front of others, he’d have to do it right beside Hermann. There might have been a time when it wouldn’t have bothered him. He could’ve kept his bout of infatuation with the tall, froggy man in check by arguing with him the entire time, but Newt wasn’t sure he’d be able to do that this time around. His heart pounded, his palms grew clammy, his stomach did somersaults just at the thought of sitting next to Hermann after what had happened. It would be informative to the people; myths would see the light, realities would crumble or be mended – all that good, but it would still be awkward as hell for everyone involved.

And it totally was.

Sure, the interviews started out like any other, Newt even thought that he and Hermann might be able to work whatever their issue was out. The moment the nice lady reporter pointed out that they must be good friends because (apparently) they were finishing each other’s sentences, both doctors felt the colour drain from their faces. Before Newton realized he was panicking, Hermann stepped in and admitted that they had drifted, and it was a common trait in drifting partners. The interview went by in a blur of answering questions (as specifically vague as possible) for Newt and he had barely registered that he had returned to the ‘Dome three hours later.

When his brain cut back on, he realized that Hermann was nowhere in sight and he was in the middle of the K-Sci department halls with nothing but his thoughts for company.

He _should_ distract himself, _should_ go and find Tendo before he completely lost his balance and fell into the trench that was eating away at his mind, but right now all he wanted was to feel something other than the pain wrenching everything he was in two…


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes the things we write are the things we really want to hear.

Newt didn’t like feeling like the world was crumbling around him. He knew it wasn’t, three weeks ago the Breach was sealed, the clock stopped. So really, he shouldn’t be feeling like his world was in shambles. It’s just… the way Hermann looked at him now. Or  _doesn’t_ look at him, really. Like he couldn’t stand to be alone with Newt for longer than he has to. It fucking  _sucked_ and Newt’s not sure what he could do to fix it. He thought they had finally connected after the drift, now that they had been inside each other’s heads, nothing else would matter. That was what Newt wanted, but he guessed Hermann regretted the experience.

_I guess I would too… If I had to drift with someone I don’t like…_

That train of thought had been driving on the same track for days now. Over and over, he thought about Hermann and the extent to which Hermann hated (possibly loathed) him. It crippled him, kept him tethered to his rusty, old bed until he eventually passed out from exhaustion. The first day, he didn’t cry. He had given himself the high of another feeling to drown out the sadness. But the day after, when he woke up sore and shaking, small trickles of blood making their way down his thighs… the floodgates collapsed and he pressed his face into his pillow to bawl and muffle his pain from any open ears that could have wandered into his lab.

Not like it mattered now that Hermann didn’t live across from him anymore…

Two days later he woke up to knocking on the heavy metal door to his room.

“Newt, buddy, you there?” It was Tendo. Of course it was Tendo. Newt hadn’t talked to him in a week. They’d both been way too busy the past few weeks. Newt conducting research and writing his papers and trying to ignore the gaping hole in his heart that communicating to the outside world of his own accord was something thrown to the back of his mind.

Tendo had had his hands tied in trying to make sure the proverbial ship that was the PPDC was running just as smoothly as always, even with three-fourths of the workers gone.

“It’s open.” Wow he needed some water.

And yep, there was Tendo the Psychic holding a huge pitcher of fresh water. Newt didn’t bother looking up, he knew exactly what kind of face the head of J-Tech and LOCCENT was wearing when he saw the state Newt was in.

“Wanna talk about it, brother?”

“Hermann hates me.” Before Mr. Choi could refute the statement, his mouth was overflowing. “I mean, who wouldn’t? I’m loud, obnoxious, I blast music and sometimes it’s not even good music. It’s just plain grunge an’ scream-o shit but hey, if you were frustrated about coming up with inconclusive data wouldn’t you want to drown it out with shit music? I would! I do! But Hermann likes the classical shit, I mean not that I don’t like classical but really that just doesn’t make sense we were on the brink of the apocalypse, that’s not the time for soft, trill-y crying violins! You need something to get you mad, get you motivated! And you know what? I fucked up. I should have just listened to him and turned the stupid music down, maybe he wouldn’t be looking at me like I’m the mud on the bottom of his shoes. God I am aren’t I? I totally am! Hermann has every right to want to throw me away, doesn’t he? He does, right? He so does…”

Tendo knew after over a decade of friendship with Newt that letting him vent it all out was the best course of action. While Newt had been carrying on, he sat at the foot of Newt’s bed, feeling it creak under his weight. He poured the Kaiju Groupie a big glass of water and set it on the night stand then went to pulling medical supplies out of the messenger bag that was slung over his shoulder.

When Newt had calmed down a bit, Tendo gestured to the glass of sweet H2O and forced Newt to sit up and quench his thirst. The Chief of J-Tech fixed the xenobiologist’s legs so they were both straight out, the bright red gashes covering his thighs were inflamed and he let out a quiet sigh at the sight. “Boy, what are you gonna do if you spill your experiments onto these?” he chided softly, opening up the disinfectant spray. “Now, let me talk, alright? I’m gonna say my piece then you can have your speaking privileges back, okay?” There was a short flurry of nods from Geiszler, so Tendo started. “I’m gonna start at the beginning of that filibuster of yours just now, ‘kay? First, in my opinion, Hermann doesn’t hate you. Hey, hey, hey, what did I say? No talking and no hissing about how much this hurts. If you patched yourself up right after, it wouldn’t be hurting so much now. Anyways, I don’t think he hates you. Sure, you guys have arguments and are at each other’s throats on an almost constant basis, but that’s how you two do. It ain’t hate from where I’m standin’. Second, you are not trash, you are not the mud on someone’s shoes, and you are most definitely not less than anybody else in the ‘Dome. Don’t you point at your legs, Salamander. Just because you do this doesn’t give you the right to hate on yourself even more. Everyone has bad days, or worse days, or days where they wish the world would have just gone to the Kaiju, but that does not make you a bad person. Sure, maybe cutting’s not the best way to fix the problem, but you regret it every time you do it. To me, that says you know it’s not the healthiest coping mech’ in the world, and that line between knowing and not knowing is the key, brother.” He had just taped down the last of the bandaging around Newt’s thighs, and with just a glimpse at the raw emotions, the  _real_ emotions that were Newton Geiszler, he could tell that the little guy would be okay for now. Tendo knew with a twisting in his heart that it would be a very long time before Newt would be close to anything resembling ‘perfect’ or ‘stable’. So would a lot of people now that the War was finally over, but Newt had been living with this since way before K-Day… Tendo knew if anyone could make it through, it’d be Newt.

Newt let what Tendo had just said sink in. He knew it was all true. He wasn’t trash, or dirt, or anything less than the brilliant scientist he knew he was. But sometimes it’s just so hard to see that truth when everything swimming in your head says you’re worthless. His mouth flapped open and closed a few times, not unlike the marine life he used to study before this whole Kaiju disaster started. What would he even say? ‘Tendo, you’re fucking perfect’? ‘Tendo, I did nothing to deserve your amazing friendship’? ‘Thank you… just…’

“Thank you,” he whimpered, his voice just as watery as his eyes.

“Any time, brother. Now come on, you need to get dressed and looking like your normal bouncing-of-the-walls self before I take you out into the sunshine for food.”

“Are we meaning actual sunshine and actual food or the PPDC versions?”

“Grade-A rays of authentic sun, my man! It’s amazing how much more of it there already is now that the baddies are gone.”

“Tendo, I love you.”

“Who doesn’t?”

 

Tendo left him to his own devices, saying, “I’ll be back in half an hour. Make sure you look spiffy for our date!” But really, Newt being Newt, it took him less than 10 minutes to throw on a clean pair of black skinny jeans (shit, maybe Herms is right when he says, ‘those are too tight for your own good, Newton’, they’re squeezing my thighs in the worst of ways right now) and a tee that depicted Wilde’s  _The Picture of Dorian Gray_. He usually wore it on days like this one, when he was making his way out of the dark trench he fell into. Not only was it one of his comfiest tees, it characterized how he saw himself. How he saw the world. It reminded him that everyone has a dark side, a side they want to keep locked away but in the end they never can. It reminded him not to make the same mistakes as Dorian had, that it was okay to go to others, to find solace in them when the dark and the ugly became too much.

After putting on clothes that made him look like a decent human being, he took his electric razor and transformed his borderline lumberjack beard for the 5 o’ clock shadow he was used to. Then with a thorough brushing of his teeth and combing of his hair he was officially starting to feel like his usual self.

With what might as well have been a half hour of free time, he started the initiative to clean his quarters, throwing dirty clothes into the hamper rather than whatever surface they happened to land on, dusting off surfaces with a relatively not-dirty shirt before that went in the hamper as well… By the time Tendo returned, Newt’s room was spotless.

“Damn, Snow White, where are all of your fish friends that helped you out?”

“Back in the ocean where they belong.”

 

Lunch turned out to be very good for Newt. He filled his belly with delicious food and soaked in the Vitamin D as they traveled to and from the restaurant. He’s feeling good, better than he had in a while. But there was still something floating around in his mind that was nagging him.

Noticing the slight distress in Newt’s shoulders, Mr. Choi patted them gently and asked, “Newt, what’s eatin’ you?”

“Nothing really, it’s just-just are you sure Hermann doesn’t loathe my entire existence? Because you didn’t see how he looked after we drifted. He was mad, like worse than the time I put an extra skin parasite on his chair for safe keeping and forgot about it mad. Worse than that! He looked—” Newt shut himself up. There was no way in Pan’s Labyrinth… right?

“What?”

“… heart broken, maybe?” Yeah, no. No way in any version of hell would Herms look like that when looking at him. He laughed, mostly to himself, but of course Tendo knew exactly what it meant.

“And who says he can’t feel like that? Why’s he automatically gotta hate your guts?”

Newt made a disgruntled noise as he waved his arms around. “I dunno, it’s just not a Hermann thing to do?”

Tendo looked Newt straight in the eyes and said, “You two are the worst at talking—”

“Dude, I’m talking with you right now! I’m perfect at—”

“With each other.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’. Like I said before, i-m-h-o, the Doc doesn’t hate you. Sure, I wasn’t there when you two drifted. I’ve never drifted, don’t want to, but I understand how it works. Did you ever think that maybe he’s just as overwhelmed as you, but just doesn’t know how to go about talking to you or anyone about it? Maybe he saw something in the drift that made him need to take a water break for a while. It happens to co-pilots. There are days when they need to be away from each other because sometimes it’s like looking in a mirror wherever you go. Maybe that’s what’s happening here, he just doesn’t know how to cope.”

“This is one long-ass day, Tendo. I dunno, maybe you’re right? It just sucks not being able to see him every day…” One of his hands reached to scratch the back of his head. He had felt something tingly, something foreign yet completely at home running from his frontal lobe to his cerebral cortex. It was like there was someone else there, someone else’s feelings humming around the base of his skull.

Maybe he needed a CAT scan?

“I get ya, brother.” They had made it back to the ‘Dome in one piece and were wandering the halls, slowly making their way back to Newt’s quarters. “Hey, why don’t you go talk to him? See how he’s doing, maybe ask him out for a cup of tea to catch up?”

The blush covering Newt’s cheekbones was obvious. “Dude, don’t say it like that! If I think of it like a date, I’ll get my hopes up, and that’s never a good thing!”

“Well it’s up to you. There’s always the poker game this weekend. It’s just gonna be a few of the guys and gals from LOCCENT and J-Tech. I think Miss Mori and Raleigh’ll show up too. You can invite him to that if you don’t think you’re ready to meet with him without others around.”

With a pout and so very childish nod, Newt agreed to invite Hermann to… something…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Ello there lovelies! I'm not sure what to say, it's late and class is a thing I have to go to in about 8 1/2 hours soooo... -shrugs- I dunno~ I hope you enjoyed, tell me how I'm doing or what you think or give me the name of a book you love and/or want to read but haven't yet! Good night and stay beautiful! <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things don't go as Newt might have hoped.

Just because he agreed to sort-of-not-really ask Hermann out didn’t mean he had to do it right away, right?

Tendo had left him to his own devices again, so he took to wandering the halls by his lonesome, still too wound up to try and get some more sleep but not in the right mindset to get back to work just yet. Content to let his feet take him wherever they wanted, he huddled inside his brain to come up with a game plan.  _I mean… I could always just be like ‘hey, coffee?’ but then he’d be like ‘never touch the vile stuff’ then I’d remember that he doesn’t like coffee unless he’s desperate for caffeine because he just looooves that watered down grass way too much. But if I just said, ‘hey, so there’s this poker game going on this weekend, wanna come?’ he’d probably shoot me down and say ‘you gamble? Really Newton, you’re lower than the degenerates you dissect’… Aaasaafdsfjkajvn;aifjiafj—But think about it from Tendo’s P-O-V, he thinks Hermann doesn’t hate me, and Tendo is 100% right 99.7% of the time so maaaaybe there’s credit there but really, with the way he and I carry on (look at me sounding all British: ~carry on~) it’s worse than cats and dogs, but cats and dogs can live together. Gray and Dottie were living proof that they could coexist peacefully. But my point is if Hermann had an inkling of an idea of how I feel about him he’d—_ “Ow, fuck,” he stuttered intelligently as he ran into a large metal door.

Rubbing his beaten nose he looked around to figure out where he had ended up. The moment he realized his location he forced his groan to stay on the inside of his body that was already vibrating from anticipation, reluctance, and what could only be described as pure longing.

Of course his feet would take him to Hermann’s new pad.

Of course they would.

He gave a short ‘tap-tap-tap’ of his knuckles on the door, the metallic echo bouncing off the stone walls of the ‘Dome corridor. He promptly stuck his hands in his pockets to keep them from worrying the edges of shirt cuffs.

Newt waited. Like, for five minutes.

Should he knock again? Usually he wouldn’t if it were anyone else. But this was Hermann. There was a high risk of pissing the man off if he continued knocking on his door like some kind of Bible-pusher, but… he kind of told Tendo he would talk to him. He figured it would be easiest to treat the situation like a Band-Aid. Yank it off quick, and while the pain is sharp, it’s gone that much sooner.

Deciding that he really should just grow a pair, Newt took the door handle in fidgety fingers and pushed his way inside. What he experienced was definitely not what he was expecting.

It was damn quiet, for one thing. It was almost deafening really. Though it could totally just be because Newt was used to having his space filled with music, trash or otherwise.

The second thing he noticed was the bed in the corner of the room. Did Hermann not have a bedroom anymore? Or had he chosen to put his bed there? Maybe it was a good thing? Having a bed in the corner of the room meant you could literally work until exhaustion and all you had to do was take a few extra steps to get to comfort, then you wake up the next day to get right back to work. Newt saw it as perfect, in its own way. If he didn’t have to worry about his specimen’s fluid flying every which way he might’ve considered the option. But really, seeing it there in the dank corner (not that there were any not dank corners in the ‘Dome) of the room left an unpleasant feeling in Newt’s everything. It should be in Hermann’s room, in  _their_ lab.

And even though he wanted to stay mad at the offending piece of furniture, the tendrils in the back of his mind offered him a calm feeling that he couldn’t just ignore. Taking a deep breath (that he let out in a snort of air) Newt made his way farther into the room.

He felt just a little bit stupid for his heart skipping ten beats when he found Hermann, standing high up on his ladder, working out maths that even he couldn’t fathom. Newt just stood where he was for a minute, soaking in the nostalgia of the moment. Hermann looked like he did the day he left, stern and serious in that beautiful, posh way of his. He looked thinner than last Newt saw him, but really the man was thinner than a twig to start with so side-by-sides really were pointless.

When he could safely say he had committed this picture to memory, he slowly made his way over to the foot of Hermann’s ladder.

“H-Hey, Herms?”

There’s the shrieking of chalk against the blackboard and a “Newton! Jesus Chri – AAH!” before the mathematician was tumbling from the top of his ladder.

“Shit, Hermann!”

With all the clattering and banging that came with the pair of doctors, Hermann found himself safely on the ground, no worse for wear than he already was, in Newt’s lap. Their hisses of pain cancelled each other out and it took them both a moment to realize that they had both made the noise.

“Shit…” Newt reiterated. “Are you okay, Herms? Is your leg okay?”

Gottlieb had to take a short pause in brain function to process the genuine emotion and worry rolling off of Newton in waves. After weeks of no contact whatsoever this was a lot like (to quote from a song he had heard Newton playing) going ‘from 0 to 60 in 3.5’. Hermann couldn’t say he didn’t miss this, but he had thought he’d have more time to sort out his… everything.

“Yes… I am fine. I apologize for not noticing you come in. If I had known you would stop by I would have better prepared my laboratory, possibly set out tea and biscuits before—”

“Jeez, man, I’m so sorry I shouldn’t have just showed up out of the blue and freaked the freak out of you like that. I’m sorry, I’ll email or something next time. Or I mean, I don’t even need to show up. Tendo could always—”

Another hiss of pain fell from the doctors’ mouths as Hermann shifted on Newt’s lap. While Hermann was fine for the most part, the fall had still been hard on his hip and as for Newton, it would take a few days before his thighs were feeling anything less than sore.

Hermann looked down at Newton’s legs, hoping to assess the damage he had caused when his breath caught in his throat.

Newt noticed the stare aimed towards his legs and looked down. He felt his stomach drop into his pelvis. The cuts on his thighs had reopened. They had reopened and Hermann was looking at the stained cloth of his jeans like he had seen a ghost.

Hermann was clambering up from Newton’s lap like it was on fire. He didn’t think to offer Newton a hand up because his mind was thrown back inside the whirlwind of thoughts it had been in when they had first drifted. “I… I have a lot of work left to do before the day is over. If you would please return to your lab.”

“Hermann…” There had to be a way to fix this.

He couldn’t look Newton in the eyes. He wanted to so desperately, but couldn’t. “Thank you. For catching me."

“Herms, wait…” There had to—

“Please, Newton.” There was no hostility or venom in his voice. If Newt didn’t know any better, he’d say the Hermann sounded defeated. “Leave…”

And how could Newt deny such a request?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! I hope everyone is doing well and I HOPE YOU'RE NOT ALL MAD AT WHERE I LEFT OFF! I love you all and I swear happiness and fluff is a thing I crave so we will have in abundance... soon!   
> Question! Hope does one put those hyperlink things in the end like this? Like if I wanted to say, come and talk with me on tumblr here, and the here is supposed to be underlined and have a link... how do I do that certain do?  
> I'm sorry this note is all over the place! I wanted to post this in celebration of Spring Break starting today so yay! But ugh I'm so tired it's time for bed even though it's not even 11 yet... Jeez I'm an old lady minus the cats... I need some cats...  
> As always, stay beautiful lovelies! <3


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Newt has a Tendo, Hermann has a Mako.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm an idiot and don't understand how to make hover-text, but if you hover over the Japanese you'll (hopefully) see what it's supposed to say in the bottom left corner... Uuuuugh! (I'll put it at the end too in case you're like me and only read stuff on your phone~
> 
> *EDIT* Yup, still an idiot~ I took off the weird link things and I'll look into that more, but the translation is still in the ending notes! <3
> 
> *8/8/15 EDIT* OH MY GOD I'M ABOUT TO CRY!!! HOVER TEXT WORKS!!! JESUS I CAN'T STOP THE ALL CAPS AND THE SMILE ON MY FACE! IF YOU'RE ON A COMPUTER/LAPTOP, JUST HOVER OVER THE JAPANESE AND BAM!!! THIS MAKES UP FOR ALL THE WAITING I PUT YOU LOVELIES THROUGH... RIGHT??

The moment the massive metal hatch to Hermann’s lab closed, the doctor stumbled over to his chair and slumped into it with a world-weary sigh. Leaning forward, he let his face fall into his hands, which gave off a faint tremor if he was any sort of honest with himself. “Christ,” he muttered to himself. His quarters had never sounded as hollow as it did now.

He hadn’t realized how much he had missed Newton until the daftly brilliant xenobiologist wandered into his room.  _Negative, Newton wouldn’t bring himself all the way here if he didn’t want something. Jesus, he needed something of me and I told him to leave…_ The cirrus of worry forming in the back of his mind only solidified his guilt-addled assumption. He found that conjuring up calm thoughts tamed that certain beast and sure enough, when he found himself in a state of relaxation so did the base of his cortex.

Perhaps he was just overly tired? He hadn’t found rest in—a glance at the calendar told him it had been well over a week—a while. Perhaps with a few hours of sleep under his belt he would be able to come to terms with the conglomeration of thoughts congesting his head.

 _Yes, sleep sounds glorious at the present…_ Hermann thought as he hobbled over to his bed unaided. Even the voice in his mind was drenched in the falls of sleep.

His cane and all his worries could be dealt with when he woke up.

 

“大丈夫かなあ、ゴットリーブ先生は.”

“Mmm… Hmm?” The doctor stretched out on his bed for a moment, taking back control of his limbs before he opened his eyes to look around. For a brief few seconds, Hermann wondered why his and Newton’s lab looked so odd before he remembered that he was no longer hunkered down with his fellow scientist.

Well that certainly put a damper on his freshly alert euphoria…

“Are you okay, Doctor?”

The soft and sweet voice filled his ears again as he became fully aware of the situation. “Ah, Miss Mori, good morning.”

“もう夜だけど．．．” she whispered, then clarified with a “It’s evening, Doctor Gottlieb.”

If there was one thing to be said about the ‘Dome, it was that it could do with a few more windows.

“Ah… And what day is it?”

“Thursday, sir.”

Gottlieb nodded. So he had been asleep for over 12 hours. ‘Twas a new record for the doctor who hardly saw more than 5 hours of sleep on a good night (or day). “Thank you, Miss Mori.” He ran a hand over his face and through his hair to try and stave off any remaining want for sleep. He felt he could really use a shower. “I apologize for being indisposed. How are you this evening?”

She dipped her head a bit in thanks. “I am well, Doctor.”

“Mako, are you telling me the truth?” There was a sound of warning that a parent would use when addressing their child, and while there was obvious gratification in Mako’s expression for Hermann’s honest worry there was no denying the heartbreak in her voice when she said, “Yes, Hermann. I have been doing much better this last week.”

“I’m very glad to hear that,” he said offering a spot on his bed with a pat. Hermann shifted his posture as she sat down next to him, deftly ignoring the sharp stabs of pain in his hip.

Their talks had become more frequent since Closure. There had even been a time, over a decade ago when an even younger Miss Mori would come wandering into the J-Tech and K-Sci sectors, her bright, round eyes so enraptured in the blooming technology before her. She had made quick work in befriending Hermann and politely asking (making) him show her everything there was to see with the developing Jaegers. As she grew older, and the rage of war grew fiercer, she would spend less and less time in the laboratories and more time training to pilot the creations she had been so curious about in her childhood. He had quite thought himself to be a sort of ‘eccentric uncle’ to her in those early years. Pentecost had given her the fixed point she so desperately needed in that fragile point of her life. Gottlieb had given her a creative outlet. It had worried Hermann back then, her wanting to become a Jaeger pilot. When one puts on the helmet, it was only a matter of time. That was what everyone thought until Closure. Until Miss Mori and Mister Beckett had returned, victorious.

And while she still had her other half, her fixed point had been lost to the Breach. She had said as much the first week after the clock had stopped. Without hesitation Hermann had stopped all work and offered his shoulder for this strong young lady in front of him. After that, Mako visited him every other day or so to check and make sure all was well in Hermann’s world of maths and probabilities.

He was typically awake for said visits.

“And you, Hermann? Are you well?”

It wouldn’t do to fib when Miss Mori had been honest with him, now would it? “Physically, yes. I am only a bit tired, but trifles such as that can be remedied with a few more hours of rest.”

“But just physically? You are unwell emotionally? Mentally?”

It warmed his heart that Mako was genuinely worried for his well-being. The only other person besides his sister to do that was— “Unwell may not be the appropriate term… Unfulfilled, perhaps?” The look of confusion coming from the young lady urged him to elaborate. “Does it always feel this way when one drifts?”

Realization dawned in Mako’s eyes. “You mean your connection with Doctor Geiszler?”

“…Unfortunately…”

“I don’t understand. Are you not happy that you drifted with him?”

“I’m not  _not_ happy…”

“Do you regret your actions?”

“Good heavens, no!” Both Mako and he were surprised at the outburst. While Hermann still could not fathom how he felt about drifting with Newton  _and_ a kaiju, he could not deny that some part of him enjoyed the thought of the sporadic xenobiologist being a part of him. It was just… what he had seen… He hasn’t been sure how to breach the topic. Hermann wasn’t good at one-on-ones, he neither gave nor was given them so to start now and with such a fragile subject…

He loathed the thought of ruining whatever was left of the companionship he and Geiszler had built over a decade, no matter how nonsensical it was.

Mako smiled knowingly, taking one of Hermann’s chalk-covered hands in hers. “Hermann… It’s hard, drifting. The first time you drift with someone, it’s both the best and worst experience of your life. On one hand, you are made whole with your other half, you feel complete. But on the other, you see things about your partner that maybe you weren’t ready to know just yet…” She could remember the terror and humiliation that her first drift with Raleigh had brought to her as if it were yesterday. But the meal she had shared with her copilot in the Jaeger docking bay had settled her mind. Raleigh had been there for her then and would always be, just as she would always be there for him. That was the way of those who drifted. “When that happens, it is best to talk with your partner. Secrets get darker the longer they are kept, and drifting when you have secrets… It never turns out well.” Through their drifts Raleigh had shown her bits of his past with Yancy. She had seen how secrets always come out in the end, and how much they could hurt someone you loved.

She must have been able to sense Hermann’s apprehension for she squeezed his hand a little tighter. To reassure him. “I know it is hard to talk about something personal with someone you care about but… It helps, Hermann.”

“I fear I may have ruined everything, Mako…” It seemed he couldn’t look anyone in the eyes as of late.

“You can’t know until you talk with him.”

Well that was true. “But how do I even…”

Mako quelled his hesitance with another sweet smile. “There will be a game on Saturday. Tendo invited イモリ先生 to come and play poker as well. Come and talk with him then, maybe talking with him when you aren’t alone will help?”

Hermann nodded. He was still unsure about the whole thing. “And you will be attending as well?”

“はい!” she cheered, “ローリーといっしょに行くつもりです! 彼は私にポーカーをあそんで教えようと思っています！”

The doctor took in her excitement happily. As long as someone in the room was in high spirits, all was well in the world. “Then I will gladly join you Miss Mori, though I cannot promise I will be there promptly. There is still so much work to be done…”

“That’s okay! As long as you can make it and have a good time!”

“Then I will see you this Saturday.”

With a chirpy good bye that reminded Hermann of Newton, Mako left his quarters.

Then suddenly the world was tilted off its axis again, and Hermann was left to ponder on how to go about Saturday evening.

Of course, he could always keep working and put confounding thoughts like those aside until further notice.

He decided that after a long, hot shower, that was exactly what he’d do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wonder if he's okay... Dr. Gottlieb.
> 
> But it's already night...
> 
> Dr. Newt (イモリ＝imori＝the animal 'newt'. Figured she'd have a nickname for him ;P)
> 
> Yes! I'm planning on going together with Raleigh! He's going to teach me how to play poker!
> 
>  
> 
> Okaaaaay, it's a new month so here you go! If you celebrate it, Happy April Fools Day~ (I'm not really a fan, but I feel like Newt toootally would be.) It's weird, I'm far more awake this time around but I don't really know what to say... Hmm... I apologize in advance for stuff to come? XD
> 
> I hope you enjoyed! Stay beautiful! <3


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poker is played, walks are taken, and heated words lead to heated deeds being done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Here's a little something early for you lovelies about to go into finals week in the near future. Pretty please be gentle with me (I told you I have things to apologize for!!) it's been a long time (dear lord over a year) since I've tried to write sexy times, so... We'll see how this goes!

It was Saturday night.

It was Saturday night and Newt was flipping out on the inside.

Or the outside, they both sort of meshed together now that Tendo was standing at the threshold of his bedroom door.

“Newt, brother, you gotta calm down.”

“I’m calm! I’m calmer than calm, I’m like the eye of a hurricane!” The moment that left his mouth he realized how that didn’t really bode well for him. Tendo’s face said as much. “Hell, Tendo, my life is the complete opposite of calm. What do I do? Hermann might be there and then he’ll see me again and hate me and never talk to me again—”

Tendo pushed Newton, who flopped down gracelessly onto his bed and groaned into one of the many pillows strewn across its surface. “Newt it’s okay. Hermann’s not supposed to show up ‘til later anyway. You got time to establish yourself there and relax.”

The man nodded a few times before the meaning of the nod actually sank in. “Yeah… Yeah, you’re right. I’ll go with you, I’ll kick your ass at poker and when Herms comes life will be awesome ‘cause I’ll be up one-grand.”

The chief of J-Tech took too much pride in the squeak he got from Newt when he flicked his forehead. “Alright, High Roller, let’s get goin’. Don’t wanna be late for my funeral, would we?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

 

All in all, the evening went by smoothly. The xenobiologist enjoyed a few rounds of poker with Tendo and company from LOCCENT and J-Tech. He even got to watch Raleigh teach Mako how to play (and he was so  _not_ jealous of the fact that they got to sit as close as they wanted while he and Hermann didn’t even share the same  _lab space_ anymore). By the time 11:30 rolled around, thoughts of Hermann were kept at a scarce minimum.

Until the cranky mathematician strolled in at 11:31, looking far more suave and clean-shaven than he had any right to be.

The coding engineer had been trying to talk himself out of coming all day. In truth the amount of work that was finished by 10 p.m. was next to nil and there was a high possibility nothing would get done for the next few days. His mind was fighting him at every corner, attempting to distract him by wandering, on multiple occasions, to the chirpy little scientist that was currently sitting amongst the group of card players. Oh dear, perhaps there was still time to slink back to his quarters and call it a night?

“ヘルマン!” Mako called, flagging the man over to join the rest of the group.

It was too late, it seemed.

He hobbled his way to the life of the room, trying his best to hide just how much grief his hip was giving him. Then after he exchanged pleasantries with Miss Mori he took a seat.

Right next to Newton.

Red flags waved and sirens sounded in Newt’s mind. This was it. Hermann was here and sitting next to him and smelled like aftershave and Earl Grey and that was doing things that really should be illegal to Newt’s libido.

“H-Hey, Her—” He caught himself. Good. The last thing he needed was to make a horrible not-actually-a-first-impression first impression. “Doctor Gottlieb.” But damn if his voice squeaking didn’t make him want to hide under the table and die of embarrassment.

Hermann’s hesitant little half-smile should  _not_ be making him weak in the knees! “Good evening, Doctor Geiszler.”

Newt snorted out a laugh. “Dude, it’s a little late for ‘evening’, but then again, ‘good night’ doesn’t really work either. Why hasn’t there been a word invented that comes after evening, but doesn’t have the finality that ‘good night’ has? Tendo! Don’t you think that should be a thing?” He gave himself a mental high-five for dragging someone else into this. Maybe that way he wouldn’t sink as fast.

“Uh-uh, man, we’re not getting into the whole ‘is twitterpation really a word’ argument again.”

Shit. Leave it to Tendo to make sure the bus he was under staid right where it was. He scratched the tops of his thighs out of nervous habit, but admitted that it felt nicer since the healing lines were beginning to itch. “So, uh… Yeah, I don’t know what to say. I mean, I could definitely come up with something, you know me, but I don’t think that’s something you want right now. Ever really, and—”

“Newton?” Hermann whispered. His tone had been commanding and it had a previously squirming Newton sitting as straight as a rail. This wasn’t how he intended to have the evening go, honestly, but seeing the groupie pick at his wounded thighs dredged up uncomfortable emotions in him.

“Y-yeah?” Why did Newt suddenly feel like a lamb in the presence of a lion and why was he sort of okay with that?

“What would you like right now?”

The question confused the xenobiologist. First thing that popped into his head was ‘I’d like you to take me on top of this rickety-ass table right now’. Second was ‘you and I sharing the same lab again’. Newt blamed his rising lust levels for his questionable priorities at the moment. “Can we… Can we take a walk?”

The mathematician was up before Newton could finish his inquiry. “Yes.”

The remaining two of the K-Sci department strolled in silence for a good while, Hermann allowing Newt to take the lead. He wanted to make sure the man was comfortable with wherever they ended up.

And it seemed the most comfortable place in Newt’s mind was the closest he could get to home; his lab.

How long had it been since Hermann had resided here?  _Nearly a month_ , his brain helpfully supplied. Some part of him took in the sight and the smell of decomposing kaiju remnants and thought that this had been part of what he was missing. He knew though, that the thing he had truly been pining for was Newton.

“Well, it’s about as filthy as when I left.” _You’re such an arse, Gottlieb._ He had meant for the comment to be in jest, but of course his tone of voice betrayed him.

Newton didn’t miss a beat. “Dude, it’s organized chaos. Not like your side is any different.” Both men caught Newt’s slip of the tongue, and the shorter of the two corrected himself quickly. “Your new place, I mean.”

Hermann had still not managed to look at Newton. He feared this was turning into a repeat of three days previous. He knew this needed to end, knew  _he_ needed to come to terms with how things were, but he just couldn’t wrap his head around it. Growing up the way he had… It forced many  _many_ things, things like higher levels of emotional understanding, to be stripped from his point of view.

“Newton.”

“Y-yeah, Hermann?” Newt squeaked.

The coding engineer turned to his ex-lab partner, drawing himself up to his full height and leveling a stare at the man. “Take off your trousers.”

Newt thoroughly freaked, with a shrill, “what?!” piercing through the stale laboratory air. He hated (loved?) how Hermann’s authoritative tone was making him want to bend himself over then and there. It left him confused, and craving anything the perfect, albeit mad mathematician would give him. He could feel the heat creeping up his neck and covering his cheeks with a blush that could rival the most love-struck of teenagers. Tears welled up in his eyes as he and Hermann locked gazes. He was so  _confused_ and he  _knew_ something about this was off but this was  _Hermann_ and god, all he wanted right now was to obey, but he couldn’t. The itty-bitty sane part of his brain was telling him to wait. “Hermann…?” was all he could manage to get past his quivering lips.

“Did I stutter, Newton?” His eyes narrowed, and Newton didn’t miss the white-knuckled grip on his cane at his side.

The click of Newt swallowing the lump in his throat was audible. He was intimidated and worried and far more turned on than he wished to be, but deep down he knew Hermann wasn’t really mad at  _him_. The tendrils flaring in the back of his head reassured him as much. He just wished he knew what had Hermann looking so infuriated. Was it because he knew? Did Hermann know about what Newt did when things just got too overwhelming and all he wanted was to feel something  _else_? He forced himself to push all of that aside as his trembling fingers fumbled with the button and fly of his pants and as he slowly pushed them down past his quaking knees. He looked at anything,  _everything_ , that wasn’t Hermann, fighting back the urge to let the drops of shame in his eyes fall. Hermann’s fiery gaze was hot and tangible as it coiled around him, constricting him until he felt he had no choice but to explain himself. “Her-Hermann, I—”

“Quiet,” he ordered in a softer voice. The man stalked forward, backing Newton up until he slammed into the concrete wall. He winded up the fist that wasn’t holding his cane (hating that he could see the look of shame on Newton’s face turn to one of horror) and set it flying into the wall high above the xenobiologist’s head. Something broke, he heard it, he could feel it, but the physical pain was nothing to how much his entire being was screaming from the torment of this entire situation. He didn’t want this for him, he didn’t want this for  _Newton_. And while he counted himself as a lucky man for having known Newton, right now a part of him wished that he had never met the man. Perhaps he wouldn’t be feeling as hopeless as he had when he was younger. “ _Gottverdammt, Newton_!” he screamed, his voice breaking. “Do you enjoy it?!” he questioned, far more hysterically than he had anticipated. But really, this whole night had not gone as anticipated, so why should anything else? “Does this get you off, Newton Geiszler?!” He swiftly moved his hand from the wall and grabbed hold of Newton’s thigh.

Newt fucking  _mewled_. He hadn’t expected Hermann to touch him so intimately and with so much force that there was no way of stopping the noise from pouring out of his mouth. The man’s lithe fingers squeezed at the red, swollen lines that littered the tops of Newt’s thighs, and the biologist would have bet anything that even if the mars on his skin weren’t there he would have made the exact same wanton sound. He panted, leaning against the wall for support for fear that his jelly-legs would fail to keep him standing. He made no attempt to hide the tented fabric in between his legs.

The only thing ruining this moment was the look of genuine hurt in Hermann’s eyes. Why on god’s green earth would Hermann look at him like that?! Sure, the gashes on his legs were pretty much a deal breaker in any hypothetical relationship, but that didn’t mean Hermann had to look at him like he had just taken his heart and smashed it into a thousand tiny pieces did it? No, of course not, so why was he looking at him like that and why did it make Newt regret every single time he picked up a pair of scissors?

Hermann reached forward slowly, gently (with the hand Newt was sure was at the very least fractured) to wipe away the trails of tears running down his face. Oh god, he was crying. When did that happen?  _Why_ was it happening in the first place?! This was the last thing he needed: to let Hermann see him fall lower than he already was.

“Herms, I’m—I” He attempted to try and apologize for something, anything he could think of, but that was cut short that moment Hermann surged forward and seized his mouth in a bruising kiss.

Teeth clacked and lips smacked and the whole thing was the searing, raw passion Newt had always daydreamed it would be. He sighed, melting into the sweeps of tongue and nips of teeth as he wrapped his arms around Hermann’s neck in hopes of bringing this perfect man even closer to him.

It was only when the need to breathe became dire that they pulled apart, panting and stealing small kisses as they regained themselves.

Hermann smiled,  _really_ smiled and it was small but real and it was the most beautiful thing Newt had ever seen. “Come, Newton,” he cooed, starting off towards the living quarters at the back of the lab.

The xenobiologist nearly fell flat on his face before he remembered he should probably pull his damn pants up before bounding after Hermann like a puppy. When he caught up, he caught Hermann’s eyes just as they left the sight of what used to be his bedroom door. Newt looked over. Nearly every night (which was the equivalent of whenever Newt found the time or head space to sleep) he would look over to that very ordinary metal door and pray that Hermann would be there when he woke up.

The taller man sensed Newton’s distracted mind and pulled him back to the present by carding a hand through soft, styled hair and whispering, “Hush,  _mein schatz_ ,” in his… his partner’s ear.

Newt preened at the endearment. He felt lighter than air and taking a quick kiss from Hermann’s thin, smooth lips had him in orbit before he lead the engineer into his own room.

 

The moment the door shut, it was like a switch had been flipped. The xenobiologist and mathematician pressed close together, parting only when a layer of clothing was one layer too many or when oxygen ran dangerously low.

By the time they actually made it to Newt’s bed, he was down to nothing save his electric-blue boxer-briefs while Hermann was only missing a pair of socks and shoes.

Newton stared down at Hermann, who had been pushed onto the (surprisingly) soft mattress, expectantly. He knew what Newton wanted, but he feared that he wouldn’t actually  _want_ what he had to offer.

“Herms… please?” was asked of him softly as gentle hands ran through his hair. He let out a sigh as fingers scratched at the base of his neck. Jesus, how he could live off of anything Newton chose to give him… After a second longer in hesitance, Hermann relented and removed himself of his trousers and pants, even daring to undo the buttons of his dress shirt. The man had to admit that the tightness of clothing had been uncomfortable and now with no restriction, his erection was free to bob in view of Newton’s lustful, hungry eyes.

“Beautiful…” he thought he heard the scientist whisper. The odd occurrence was matched with a look of awe that was shown right alongside the lust in Newton’s light-brown irises. The “so beautiful” he had not misheard, confirming his previous suspicions and had him blushing like a school girl. He briefly wondered what exactly it was that Newton saw when he looked at him as he leaned forward and placed a wet kiss onto the biologist’s still-covered cock. He reveled in the squeak he received in return. “ _Einwandfrei_ ,” he murmured against Newton, sliding the bright pants off of him as carefully as he could.

The way Hermann was kissing him, his belly, his cock, his  _thighs_ , Newt would have thought he was being worshipped. Hermann was so sweet, so gentle that every little peck of lips and trace of fingers sent electricity shooting all the way down to his toes. He whimpered as the devious man sitting in front of him used the tip of his tongue to trail from the base of Newt’s shaft to the tip where devilish lips wrapped around the head. Newt moaned, grabbing tufts of Hermann’s hair to keep himself steady.

“God, Herms, if you don’t stop I won’t las—AH!” As if to encourage him, the programmer sucked harder, swallowing as much of Newton as he could. “W-Wait, wait, I really  _really_ want this to last.” Newt knew himself well enough and it had been over a month since he had had the opportunity to rub one off. If he came now, he’d pass out and there’d be no waking him for a good few hours. That was no way to have his first time with Hermann go.

Hermann pulled off of him with a lewd  _pop_ , making a show of licking his lips that was in no way helping Newt calm down.

A second longer of squirming and trying his best not to just finish himself off with a flushed, mostly naked Hermann in front of him had the young man nearly toppling over as reached for the small bottle of lube in his nightstand.

“So how um…” It would figure that he’d grow shy  _now_. “How do we do this? I mean, I definitely want you fuck me ‘till I can’t think straight, but I just wanna make sure that I’m not gonna hurt you or anything. ‘Cause, well, it’s you and if it’s you I’m probably just going to lose myself and ride you like there’s no tomorrow which, haha, coincidently there will be lots of tomorrows thanks to us, haha!” Oh god, and now he was making lame jokes, someone save him now!

“Newton,” Hermann called softly.

“Y-Yeah?”

He pushed himself further onto the mattress, situating himself so that he was comfortable. “Come here,” he beckoned.

All hail Gottlieb, Newt’s savior!

Newt acquiesced quickly, sitting himself in between Hermann’s legs. He pressed his hips forward, hissing at the intoxicating feel of Hermann’s erection sliding against his. A quick mental note was made to ensure that they try this  _exclusively_ another time.

Hermann, for his part, chuckled lightly, placing small kisses upon Newton’s neck and shoulders while one of his hands kneaded the plump flesh of the young man’s posterior. “How am I to ‘fuck you until you cannot think straight’ if I cannot reach,  _mein schatz_?”

Without a word, Newt pushed up so he was kneeling in front of Hermann. His hard on pressed into his partner’s chest in the most irresistible of ways and he had to admit he was enjoying how Herms was teasing his navel, skimming over his lower belly but never quite low enough to lay his perfect lips onto little Newt.

He heard the snap of the cap, the squelching sound of the lube being slathered thoroughly onto Hermann’s fingers… The moment the first, long finger penetrated his ring of muscle, he could have sworn he was going to cum. His hips bucked and he mewled Hermann’s name before he even realized what he was doing.

The mathematician (and apparent psychic) held fast to the base of Newton’s cock, keeping a firm hold on it while the writhing man above him came back to his senses. Of course, that didn’t stop him from rubbing Newton’s inner walls, drinking up the squeaks and moans he got in return as he opened Newton torturously slow.

It took less time than he had expected to have Newton riding his four fingers. The man above him bucked onto his hand greedily, relishing in the stretch his lithe fingers gave him. So slowly did he pull his fingers out, cutting Newton’s whine off with a press of his lips. Reaching for the bottle of lube had the perfect, quirky little man gently slapping his hand away.

“Let me,” Newt purred, leaning forward to trace his tongue along Hermann’s bottom lip. He took it into his mouth as the cap of the bottled popped open, suckling lightly as he made Hermann’s throbbing length slick. The groan he got for his efforts was definitely worth the decade long wait. When a slightly trembling hand was placed over his, he looked up into eyes whose pupils were so blown only a sliver of dark-brown remained.

Hermann took a deep breath to calm himself. He hadn’t taken into account how much Newton would affect him and the way the man was enticing him was surely illegal in some part of the world. With hands far steadier, he slid them lightly over his partner’s thighs, reached back to cup his arse, spread the cheeks in a way that had Newton thrusting into the air.

“ _Ich will liebe machen sie, Newton_ ,” he breathed against Newton’s solar plexus.

Newt nearly melted then and there and with a vigorous nod he begged, “Please all of the yes.”

The coder nodded, aligning himself and  _slowly_ , so this beautiful man above him could  _feel_ himself being taken, he pressed forwards until he was buried to the hilt.

He  _screamed_ , his hips rocking so that Hermann could sink even  _deeper_ into him. He clenched at the open collar of Hermann’s dress shirt (which needed to come off like now) trying his best to keep himself from breaking too soon.

It didn’t help that Hermann was thrusting his hips upwards, the tip of his cock hitting right  _there_ to make the man see fireworks of white behind his eyelids.

Newt was a biologist. He knew where and what the prostate was and what it did. It had never been on his top 10 list of cool body parts, but the way that little bundle of nerves was bringing him closer and closer to unraveling, how it made him drip precum onto Hermann’s smooth stomach, and how said act had Hermann looking at him like he was the sexiest person in all of creation, was definitely putting it somewhere in his solid top 5.

When they both remembered that ‘making love’ was not synonymous with ‘having a quick romp in the hay’, they took the time to just  _be_. To feel each other. (Lord knew they had both been wanting this for years and now that it was  _real_ they wanted it to last.) And so they laid together, connected, their hips rolling in slow, lascivious fashions.

Newt took the tender moment to try and free Hermann of his last binding of cloth, but was gently batted away. “Please,” he begged, wiggling his hips so that he had the mathematician writhing beneath him, “I want to feel all of you Herms.” What he said was true, he needed the assurance, the proof, that his being with Hermann wasn’t just some amazing dream he had concocted from the collection of too many lonely nights. He wanted Hermann in every sense of the word and this was just one of his many plans of making sure that became reality. He rutted forward, as if drawing moans from the both of them would make Hermann relent to Newt’s wants.

He saw the hesitation return to Hermann’s eyes, a flush (that he suspected wasn’t from lust) rose to his sharp cheeks but he nodded minutely as he took off the dress shirt.

Then suddenly it clicked in Newt’s head. The pieces fell into place, the reason why Hermann didn’t approve of his rock-bottom fail-safe, why Hermann had looked so heartbroken to see him in such a state.

The engineer knew that Newton could see the thick, pale lines running from his elbows to his wrists. Hermann couldn’t meet Newton’s eyes, even when he could feel the xenobiologist’s imploring gaze searching for his. This had been a shame he had carried around for over two decades… his family had been ashamed of him, as they should be. As everyone should be. What he did was for the weak-willed, the ones who couldn’t be bothered with trying to fight to get out of bed in the morning. That was the light his father had shone on him and he was made clear, shortly after the incident, to know that everyone thought that way in regards to self-harm and suicide. So why, when he chanced a look up at Newton, did the man look at him like he was the most beautiful creature in any world imaginable?

There was hurt coalescing in the form of tears in Newton’s hazel eyes, but more than that was a level of understanding of which Hermann had never seen.

He was even more confounded (but not the least bit disappointed) when Newton leaned forward to snatch his lips in a kiss that had them both forgetting about the haunts of their pasts and insecurities of their futures.

Newt raised his hips and slammed down onto Hermann’s cock, nearly weeping as the thrust pressed against his prostate. He continued his ministrations, clasping Hermann’s hands in his like they were the only life raft in this sea of pleasure. He leaned forward and pressed soft kisses into Hermann’s inner arms, against the pale scars as their owner thrust up into him.

They created a delicious rhythm, one where joined rutting and thrusts had Newt feeling so filled and so connected with Hermann that nothing else mattered but the labored pants and moans coming from them. He was so completely lost in the feeling that he couldn’t even stop his mouth before words were tumbling out.

“Hermann, fuck—god yes! This is perfect, you’re perfect god, you’re just so beautiful. Aaaah, fuck, do that again! YES! Yes, Herms, god I’ve wanted to do this for so long, tell you how amazing you are and I love y—Hermann! More, more, please, I can’t I’m so close, fuck please, I love you , Hermann, shit, I’ve want to say that for so fucking long and please please  _please_ don’t hate me for this, I don’t know what I’d do if—”

“Newton, promise me,” Hermann panted. He could barely speak as his own climax neared its peak. “Promise me you will not do this again.” He ghosted a hand, feather-light, over Newton’s thighs, the action causing their owner to let out a debauched moan. “Promise me that you will come and find me when you feel so low. We will do whatever you wish, but I  _need_ you to promise me, _mein schatz_ , that you will not cut again.”

Fat tears fell from Newt’s chin, onto Hermann’s stomach and mixed with the small pool of precum already there. He could see it,  _feel_ Hermann’s desperation in his plea, and it mended his torn heart to know this man cared so deeply for him. “Yes! Yes, Herms, I promise! God, please, I need you to cum inside me, make me yours, Hermann, please!”

“Yes… yes, gott Newton,  _ich liebe dich, seit langem_! Come for me, Newton!”

Newt’s body stiffened before his orgasm had him doubling over and crying Hermann’s name to whatever gods would listen. Hermann wasn’t far behind, soon gasping Newt’s name into the biologist’s hair, filling the quivering body above him with hot spurts of cum.

He could feel the fatigue from the last few days’ anxiety catching up to him. The arms of sleep were doing their best to drag him into the depths of slumber.

The last thing he remembered was Hermann pressing a kiss to his forehead and humming, “Rest now,  _liebling_.”

How could Newt deny such a request?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo? How was it? I really hope you enjoyed! Tell me how I'm doing, your thoughts about everything, all that good jazz. :) Also, I might be late posting next month (I had the next chapter written already but then I started thinking about something that could go in between this chapter and that chapter (and I was like 'hey, this could be something on its own') but me being me, I thought it would be better to have it as an actual chapter and not a time stamp so now that's a thing!) be patient with me!! ;A;
> 
> As always: Stay beautiful! <3
> 
> (Why do I always post when I'm close to passing out? What is this?!)


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann remembers his past, then Nurse Tendo does his thing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Text in is meant to be German but I figured actual German might deter from the plot/I don't want to offend anyone with my Google Translated German. :)  
> Also, potential *TRIGGER WARNING* for very harsh words towards people who self-harm/have suicidal thoughts.

Hermann was proud of himself for holding on as long as he did.

He had lulled his mind into a stasis as he tended to Newt. Gestures such as gentle pets and sweet words, things Hermann was not accustomed to receiving, he gave freely as he cleaned and clothed them both.

He sat with Newton’s sleeping form for some time after, re-vested in his tweed and baggy trousers. His fingers moved of their own accord, playing with his partner’s untamable hair until he knew he could not contain  _it_ for much longer. As that time drew nearer, he made sure Newton was properly resting before he tiptoed out of the quarters and made a beeline for his once-was residence.

The moment the metal door shut behind him, his legs lost their strength. They fell out from under him, sending him sliding to the cold, concrete floor with a sudden hiccup as he tried to hold on to what little of his calm facade remained. He buried his face in his knees, stifling his choked-out wails as his hands found tight purchase in his hair. It smarted, yet it was sending waves of content all the way down to his toes. The hypocrisy of his actions flooded him with guilt, but they helped. That small amount of pain quelled the conflicting thoughts swirling around in his mind.

He felt so stupid so blessed so conflicted so honoured. He couldn’t quite arrive at a word just yet, he didn’t dare to, that encompassed what he was feeling. Newton had called him perfect. He had called him  _beautiful_. Hearing those words at the time had made Hermann’s heart ache. The vindication in which Newton had said those words had made Hermann want to believe they were true.

But he just couldn’t.

It was impossible.

The dark place in his mind, one that was dictated solely by his father, the one that he had believed to be finally rid of when he joined the PPDC nearly a decade ago, was dragging itself back from the depths. Hermann could feel it trying to pull him down with strings of harsh words. It drowned out the world around him until all he could hear were the screams of a livid man.

 

_" <What in God’s name were you thinking, boy?!>”_

_A young Hermann, just barely into his fifteenth year, stared vacantly at the man seething at the foot of his bed. The man was pacing. Typically, this sent Hermann’s mind into flight mode, when the man was like this it was always best to remain out of his path of destruction. During times like this Hermann would be in search of Karla. Today, however, he was under the influence of strong pain medication. It made his mind hazy and his body slow. As he looked around the room, he sluggishly realized that he was not at home and Karla was nowhere to be seen._

_Belatedly, Hermann understood that the man was still speaking, but all he could think of was the security and warmth that Karla had always provided for him. He leaned to the side, peeking over the side of his bed as if she had somehow placed herself there without his knowledge. No one._

_“ <Do you have anything to say for yourself?!>”_

_A beat passed before he wondered aloud in a raspy voice, “ <…Where is Karla?>”_

_A low growl resounded throughout the snow-white room before the man was storming into his personal space. “ <Have you been listening you—CHILD! You are a disgrace!>” the man roared, snatching up one of his thin arms and shaking it._

_Hermann had no strength to fight back, no strength to make words of protest. He let the scene play out, watching his arm move limply and keeping his poker face in place when a dull ache made itself known through the medication._

_“ <Did you enjoy it, boy? Huh?! Tell me, did you?!>” When he got no response, he let loose another growl._

_Hermann hardly registered that he had been struck until a sharp pain on his cheek flared._

_“ <Think of your family, boy! If you had succeeded, then what? You dare to mar the Gottlieb name with such shamefulness as a teenage-suicide!?>”_

_Hermann had never thought of that. He hadn’t thought of his family at the time. All he could remember thinking was that he wanted everything to stop. He hadn’t thought of his siblings, of Karla._

_“ <What you did was disgraceful and for the weak! Listen well, boy! Depression? Self-harm? Suicide? If you give in to any of these, you are nothing but a weak-willed, waste of breath! You suck it up! You don’t cry about how you think your life has treated you! People like that have no place in this world! So help me God if I ever catch wind that you are thinking like this again, I won’t hesitate to let you go through with your plans.>”_

_In his drug addled mind, he believed that he deserved every word that had been spat at him._

 

“ _Gottverdammt, Newton! Do you enjoy it?!” he remembered screaming. There had been a wave of nausea that hit him at the resemblance he had had to his father. “Does this get you off, Newton Geiszler?!”_

_He had grabbed Newton’s thigh so roughly, just like his father with him. That alone made Hermann realize just how damned he truly was. He was inflicting pain onto someone he… cared very deeply for, because he was angry and conflicted. What man like that deserved forgiveness?_

_Hermann had thought these things, knew these things were true, and it struck a chord in his heart strings. He had stared down at Newton, who was shivering with fat tears beginning to roll down his lightly stubbled cheeks, and came to a realization. As he wiped at the corners of Newton’s eyes, he thought, this man is so fragile and precious, he deserves to have all the tenderness I never had…_

 

_But he did receive tenderness. From the very man he swore to give all of his compassion to, it was reciprocated ten-fold._

_Newton sat above him, words of admiration so easily spilling from his mouth. He had told Hermann he was beautiful, that he was perfect. Soft, chapped lips pressed against his horrendous scars. Shivers spiraled down his spine and electricity shot from his synapses. It was in that moment that he started to wonder if perhaps what he had experienced in his childhood was not something that needed to be shunned._

_It was a profound realization, and one that still confounded him. He was still so new to the idea of Newton accepting him. Not just his feelings, but his everything. Newton had accepted the parts of Hermann he had been too ashamed to show to others without as much as a second thought. And the mad genius thought the entire cache was beautiful._

_As they brought themselves even closer together, Hermann mind went around in circles whispering, I love this beautiful man I love him so much I love Newton…_

 

When next Hermann opened his eyes, it was to a glorious headache and a pain in his left hand that was a clear rival to the one in his hip. His eyes lazily scanned the room he was inhabiting until it dawned on him: he had passed out after having a panic attack.

He groaned softly from a mixture of physical discomfort and emotional exasperation as he came back to his senses. His line of sight found itself on the ceiling. The thought that the rust stain shaped like a teacup was still in the right corner of the room flitted in and out of his mind in a matter of seconds. He gave a small smile regardless. It was familiar, something physical that he had drawn comfort from on the nights when he couldn’t find sleep.

In his own time, and with a little more struggle than he would have preferred, he stood then stretched out the kinks as best as he could – which is to say, not very well. And while he wanted nothing more than to return to Newton’s side and join him in the throes of repose, he knew himself well enough that sleep in any way, shape, or form would be a long time coming.

Instead, and perhaps against his hip’s adamant protests, he decided to take a walk around the ‘Dome.

The halls were desolate, but that was to be expected. It had been months now since Closure. The hardworking men and women of the PPDC had families that they had been protecting, and now that that dream had become reality, they wanted to go home. It was understandable really. Even Hermann wanted to be able to see his siblings now that the worst was over.

Before long he found himself at the mouth of LOCCENT. He hadn’t been in there since Newton and he stormed in declaring the key to victory. It was a nice bit of nostalgia, even if the back of his mind had been plagued with thoughts of Newton and a pair of stainless steel scissors…

 _No, cease that line of thought immediately_ , he chided himself for trying to bring up the past. That was over. He understood both Newton and himself far better now.

“’Sup, brother?” a familiar and very sleep deprived-sounding voice called to Hermann.

It did a fine job of bringing him out of the cocoon he had made for himself in his mind. “Hmm? Oh, Tendo. Good evening.”

“Nah, man, it’s near 5 am now,” Mr. Choi chuckled from his seat behind a plethora of bright monitors and projections.

Sure enough, when Hermann made his way over, he caught a glimpse of the hologram clock in the corner. 4:53 am… That would be the second time in the past week he had confused the time of day in front of another person. It may have been a tad too late to suggest it, but the ‘Dome really did need more windows.

He found himself a chair and made himself at home on the outskirts of Tendo’s work space before he realized his faux pas. “Would you like something to drink, Tendo? Something with copious amounts of caffeine, I’m presume.”

The king of LOCCENT nearly snorted as he watched Hermann try to scramble out of his office chair. “No worries, I’ll get it. Though thanks for reminding me,” he said, patting Hermann on the shoulder on his way to the little break station in the corner of the open area, “I wouldn’t be me without at least 300 milligrams of the stuff runnin’ through my bloodstream.” There was a silence between them, save the clinking of mugs and fumbling of dried deliciousness. “All we have is  _wānzǐ chá_ , that cool?”

“That’s fine, thank you. It’s been a while since I’ve had a nice cup of chai.” Hermann replied. While he couldn’t speak a lick of Chinese, it hadn’t taken him long to learn the names of various types of tea... and perhaps how to ask for them at the local coffee shop. It made him chuckle softly. Only he could live in a place for nearly 2 years and still need a translator.

Even Newton could hold his own in a conversation with the locals.

Really, most of the time Newton was  _his_ translator.

It became quiet again, only to be cut when Tendo asked how Hermann took his tea. (“Oh, just one sugar.” “…IIII’m gonna put in two, just to be safe…”)

Mr. Choi returned not 5 minutes later, sporting a mug in each hand. After handing the one with a string hanging from its side to Hermann, he flopped back into his chair and took a long, scalding chug of liquid energy.

Hermann’s cat tongue prevented him from taking a sip as soon as he was given his refreshment, though when he finally did he was glad Tendo added the extra sugar cube. When the temperature was just right, he held his breath and downed the concoction, finishing with a large shudder.

“I saw that.”

“My apologies, Tendo, but—”

Choi laughed, “Don’t apologize, man, I’ll treat you to that little shop in town since you humored my lacking barista skills.”

That got a sound of approval from Hermann’s end. He leaned forward and placed his now-empty cup on a clear portion of a nearby countertop. The motion had the cup’s handle snagging on the knuckles of his injured hand and he recoiled in response, trying his damnedest not show how much pain he was really in.

Leave it to Tendo and his keen observation skills to notice something as miniscule as a flinch. In a flurry of hovering hands, Tendo was at Hermann’s side and looking at the injury in question. “What happened to your hand, Hermann?!”

He winced when Tendo started manhandling him, “I connected it with a wall with far too much force.” It wasn’t something he wanted to think about again and seeing Tendo’s face fill with worry by the second had guilt welling up in the pit of his stomach.

Without words and quicker than a flash, Tendo left and returned with a first-aid kit. He pulled up a chair and got to work patching up his patient.

For his part, Hermann sat quietly and went with the flow. Sitting down and resting had him growing drowsier by the minute. It had been so long since he had had an attack that he had forgotten how much they could deplete one’s energy.

“So how’s Newt?” Tendo questioned from out of the blue.

Hermann’s whole body gave a jolt, sending shocks of discomfort from his wounded hand straight to his temples. It was a moment before Hermann was able to speak. When he finally found his voice again, he replied with a gurgled, “Um…” His gaze travelled to the cement and grated flooring. He had forgotten: while he and Tendo were good compatriots, going back almost longer than before he had joined Pan Pacific, Tendo went even farther back with Newton… The man was an amalgamation of best friend and guardian to their xenobiologist.

It dawned on the mathematician as he looked over at his empty cup, desperate to have something to occupy his mouth, that he was currently sitting in the lion’s den. Even if he hadn’t wandered down earlier, this talk was coming whether he had been ready for it or not.

Tendo knew exactly what was unfurling in the coder’s mind. He just smiled and waited.

“I…” he began, “In literal terms, Newton is fine. He’s getting some much needed sleep in his quarters. In not so literal a light… I would like to think he’s content, if not happy, with how things stand at the current moment.”  _Though I’m not quite sure where that standing is…_

A pair of eyes flashed up at Hermann before focusing back on the task ahead. With a final wrap of medical tape, Nurse Tendo’s job was done. He sat back proudly in his office chair, groaning as his back popped. His calm demeanor was in no way deterring from the serious look on his face. “And where is that, exactly?”

How had his mouth become so dry? He knew Tendo, why was this making his breath come in hitches? He cleared his throat once, twice before continuing. “When we are alone again, and he is ready and willing to talk about the topic, of course, I will know where that is for sure, but… I would like to be his partner. Not just in our lab, but in our lives together.”

With the serious expression seemingly forever static on his face, Tendo replied, “You must be a birch because damn that is a lot of sap coming out of your mouth right now.”

Hermann stared at Tendo for a long moment, eyes blown wide, like a doe caught in the headlights, and mouth cracked open in pure bafflement before he saw his friend’s eyes crinkle at the corners ever so slowly. Hermann lost it completely, hunching over and laughing to the point of tears in a matter of seconds.

Jesus, the man was not only a charismatic Renaissance man, he could also diffuse any social bomb known to mankind.

Quite a few ticks went by as they sat together, after-giggles and soft breathing the only sound between them.

“…Hey, Hermann?”

“Yes?”

“How do you feel about Newt?”

“Strongly, I assure you. Truly, I—” There had been no hesitation in his timing or his voice. “I love Newton.” Hermann buried his head in his hands. Saying the words out loud was a strikingly new experience. Of course, he had said it to Newton while they had made love, but to say them in a calm, quiet environment to a calm, quiet friend and mediator was completely different.

He loved Newton. There was no one else like him, no one else who could be so perfect yet have so many imperfections that just made Newt more Newt. Hermann loved the rambling Newton, the shy Newton, the intelligent Newton, the Newton whose honesty was often crass but needed. Christ, he even loved the obnoxious Kaiju-groupie Newt that would most likely lose his hearing by forty.

And yet the more confident in that fact he was, the more terrified he became.

“… Tendo, I have a favor I would like to ask of you.”

Tendo chuckled. “Anything for family.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, lovelies, it's been a very long while! I hope everyone's doing well (and enjoying their summers! ;P) It gets lonely doing summer research so leave a comment or come talk with me at http://only-silent-on-the-outside.tumblr.com !! (I don't really do much except for reblog things that make me laugh or have to do with armada of ships, yeah, it'll be fun! ;P)
> 
> As always: I truly hope you enjoyed, tell me how you feel about what's happening in S&S, and stay beautiful! <3


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ♫ Reunited and it feels so gooooooood ♫

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Possible TRIGGER WARNING for very brief mention of thoughts about self-harm)

Newt wasn’t exactly sure what he had been expecting when he woke up the next morning. Sunlight cascading from some nonexistent window and flowers and little hearts floating around his bedroom while Hermann greeted him with a cheerful, “Good morning, Newton,” was definitely off the table. He may have been naïve at times but he wasn’t that stupid.

What he sure as hell hadn’t been expecting was to wake up alone, and feeling a lot less warm than he had the night before.

He opened his eyes further, taking in the fuzzy sight of his surroundings. Well, at least Hermann had been nice enough to take off his glasses before peacing out.

God, why was he so  _stupid_? He should have known, should have seen this coming. No one ever stayed. That’s all Newt was, to others and himself, it seemed; like a firework, fun for a while and at a distance, but no one ever wanted to get up close and personal to one. Could he really blame Hermann for sneaking out sometime during the night? The guy knew  _exactly_ what Newt was like. They had been lab partners for years. Hell, the guy had been in his  _head_! Hermann knew what Newt was like and yet he… What had been the point? A good fuck? Jesus, Hermann could’ve gotten one of those anywhere. Despite Newt’s jests at how froggy the man was, Hermann was attractive and looked smarter in a sweater vest than [insert your choice of celebrity here] could. So why him? Why waste a single night with Newt, who had considered last night to be the best and most connected sexual experience he had had ever. It had been good, more than good, really, but now just the thought of last night meaning less than what he believed it to be was dragging him further down into that dark pit in his mind.

Newt hurt. He felt horrible and heartbroken and so  _so_ alone… And before he knew it his gaze began shifting towards the drawer of his night stand, as fuzzy as it might have looked at the moment.

A noise, pained and laced with so much sorrow ripped from his throat. He buried his face in his pillows, hating himself for feeling like this and how much his pillows smelled like Hermann. He was settled at the bottom of the trench and could already feel the dark closing in around him.

He had made a  _promise_ and now he had no outlet to get him through this, no way to trade one hurt for another. He had promised and if he broke it he would just end up in between a larger rock and a harder place. He had promised… and Hermann had said to find him. Could he find him?  _Should_ he find him?

Newt sat up, rubbing his raw eyes as he snatched his glasses from the night stand. After a quick look around he found a soft pair of sweat pants and his Dorian Gray shirt and swapped those for his outfit from the night before. Redressed, he took a final moment to calm himself and make sure tears would  _not_ be a thing that he brought out of his room with him, before he shuffled out into the lab…

Where he was greeted with the sight of Hermann sitting in that stupid gray swivel chair of his with his back turned to the bedrooms. And there were Hermann’s big-ass black boards in the middle of the room where they used to be.

Had they even left?

What exactly was going on? Here he was thinking that Hermann had meant to abandon him, but there Hermann was directing others from his wheeled throne. And not just any others, his brain was so kind to mention, Tendo and friends were all accounted for, each one hauling box upon box of equipment or paper or whatever Hermann wanted because he was that kind of man. Even if he didn’t have a trick hip, he’d be able to get others to do the hard work for him, because underneath his life-roughened exterior he was a sweet man and there was no one in this world who could deny Hermann anything once they got to know him. And goddammit what was the point again?

Newt was on the verge of tears again. He was confused but for some reason it was the right kind of confused that made the corners of his lips turn up and his heart flutter like it had turned into a friggin’ butterfly. “Herma—Dude…” he managed to rasp out, his voice cracking from the mix of overuse the night previous and disuse this morning. “What is this?”

Hermann spun around to face Newton, a small (very mischievous) smile playing on his lips. “What does it look like, Dr. Geiszler?”

“It… It looks like… OKAY!” He shouted, flailing his arms at his sides. “THANKS FOR YOUR HELP BUT YOU ALL NEED TO LEAVE I HAVE SOMETHING TO TALK WITH DOCTOR GOTTLIEB ABOUT I’LL FINISH GETTING ALL HIS STUFF LATER ‘KAY-THANKS-BYE!” He was sure he sounded crazy by the end of that rant, especially with his shooing (nearly shoving) everyone out before slamming the large metal doors of his lab ( _their lab?!_ ) shut.

The mathematician made to stand but was almost toppled backwards by Newton who made a home for himself on his lap. The position was awkward, but he knew it was because Newton was simply being wary of how he situated himself on his legs. He let himself smile, soaking in the sentiment for what it was while his hands came to rest on Newton’s mid-back.

“Newton—”

“I’m sorry…” he whimpered into Hermann’s shoulder.

Newton’s breath was hot and shaky on his neck and he could feel warm tears beginning to saturate the collar of his shirt. His hands charted out calming paths over Newton’s back, and he was satisfied when his partner began to loosen his wound-tight muscles.

“I’m sorry, it’s just I woke up and you weren’t there so I thought I fucked up again and I don’t know what I’d do if you  _really_ hated me I don’t want that, but you weren’t there so I thought…” As he stammered on, becoming more and more incoherent, his arms tightening around Hermann’s frame, somewhere in the back of his mind he thought, _god I’m an idiot, he’s gonna think I’m clingy, which—okay I kind of am, but he doesn’t need to know that, and I’m acting like we’re lovers that haven’t seen each other in forever but we’re not—I don’t even know what we are but oh god what do I—_

“Newton?”

“Y-Yeah, Herms?” He sniffled, his mind back on track. Newt would forever be in awe at how just one word from Hermann’s mouth could make him calmer than the sea.

“It’s a tad post-mature to ask, but may I move back into our lab?”

Newt’s amber eyes sparkled as he bubbled over with laughter.

“Hell yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So first off: YAY! QUICK UPDATE! I thought I'd celebrate the 2nd year of Shatterdome Atlanta by throwing a chapter at you! (To those going: HAVE FUN AND STAY SAFE!)  
> Second: I think this is going to be the last post of S&S for a while. Summer research has left me very tired and I'll only get a month off before I have to do another one, so I'm going to try and take it easy. I'll try my best to keep writing, but if I don't update for a couple of months, that's why. I'm so sorry and thank you so much for sticking with me this far! You are all lovely!  
> Stay beautiful! <3


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hermann is officially back in the lab, and both he and Newton celebrate by napping.

The rest of their day was planned out by Newton, who wanted nothing more than to watch telly and cuddle curled up on his bed and Hermann was more than happy to do that with him. So for a majority of the afternoon and late evening Hermann held Newton, the man’s back against his chest as they watched movies. Occasionally Hermann would gather his courage and place a chaste kiss into Newton’s fluffy hair and the small wiggling Newton would do in attempts to press closer to him made his heart feel as if it were on cloud-nine.

It amazed the mathematician how easily they fell into this sense of intimacy and warmth, but he supposed it was in part that they were ‘drift compatible’. They were linked together through like minds and shared experiences. And to finally know that Newton reciprocated his feelings just as fiercely as he did was enlightening.

As Newton’s warm body pressed against him and his soft breathing as a peaceful ambiance, Hermann dozed off into a fitful rest.

 

He had not expected to be jarred awake by Newton’s twitching appendages knocking into his abdomen.

“Newton…” he rasped, his voice still heavy with sleep. As he made clearer his surroundings, he remembered the lackadaisical events that lead to the two of them falling asleep, nestled together like finches in their nest of blankets and pillows.

The xenobiologist was whimpering, his already small body trying to shrink itself down even further.

Hermann wasn’t quite sure what procedure to take. He had read an article on sleeping disorders once, and it said waking a person experiencing nightmares was not advised. If that was the case he  _should_ just let Newton work out whatever it was he was experiencing… But his partner looked so terrified, so  _helpless_ , and he wasn’t sure he could bare to see him in such a state for much longer.

Especially when he could hear him begging to be saved.

“Newton…” he whispered, his voice clearer now as he began rubbing, what he hoped to be comforting, small circles over Newton’s back and shoulders.

He hated how it only seemed to make Newton worse, his body tensing up and the begging becoming more desperate.

“No, no, please…”

“Newton…”

“Please, help, please!”

“ _Newton_.”

“Hermann please!—”

“NEWTON!”

The biologist wailed as he was thrown back into the world of consciousness. His breath came in short and ragged as light-brown eyes darted around his room frantically. He looked to be in disbelief that the familiar,  _safe_ , concrete walls of the ‘Dome were what was surrounding him.

“Herm—Hermann?” His lips moved, but barely a sound escaped him. His voice was raspy, his throat sore, and he couldn’t shake the feeling of pure  _panic_. He couldn’t believe that he was  _alive_ when the last thing he remembered was Otachi’s tongue wrapping around his legs, her saliva burning holes in his skin and that hot… constriction around his body as he was swallowed whole.

The mathematician placed a hand on Newton’s shoulder, and he relaxed almost immediately. Newton had been quaking before, but with one touch from Hermann he was feeling almost as calm and pliant as he had before they fell asleep. Something about that fact spurred Hermann into pulling his partner to him with a quick action, letting Newton straddle his hips while he sat against the metal head board.

Newt buried his face in the crook of Hermann’s neck and just  _breathed_. He would never have thought that just being able to be around Hermann would calm him down so fast. And as he was able to let the tenseness in his muscles loosen, he was able to analyze what he had experienced for what it really was: a nightmare. A dream of experimenting and adventuring gone horribly wrong and warping into the terror he had never really understood kaiju to be. When thoughts finally became coherent and the knowledge that no, he was not about to be ripped to shreds (…eaten alive…) by Otachi (as admittedly beautiful as she was) came to light, his nervous system took over. His body (now apparently made of jelly) slumped into Hermann’s embrace and he didn’t even try to stop the tears from falling down his scruffy cheeks. Despite the cacophony of thoughts thrashing about in his head to be focused on, the only one that prevailed was  _oh god Hermann probably thinks I’m crazy now…_

“Herms, I’m so sor—” he began but was almost instantaneously hushed by a long, pale finger being placed on his lips.

“You have nothing for which to apologize for, liebling,” Hermann reassured, placing kisses into Newton’s dampened hair. He took his hands and trailed them over Newton’s back, up his shoulders, until he was cradling his partner’s neck in his long fingers.

He could feel Newton melting against him, aching muscles shivering as the tension subsided. He could grow accustomed to this, he idly thought to himself. Not the events of Newton jolting awake from a nightmare, heavens no. He had felt his chest nearly strangle itself in worry just minutes prior. No, he could see himself coddling Newton like this, letting his partner rest in his arms or take comfort in him while he performed little gestures to relax Newton even more. It wasn’t something he had been given as a child, coddling, and to be given the opportunity to give it to someone he cared deeply for… it was a foreign, but very pleasurable, sensation.

“You weren’t there…” he heard Newton sniff, stray tears still falling onto his shoulder. Hermann said nothing, he just scratched lightly at the scruff of Newton’s neck and waited.

“I was so scared Hermann… Otachi was chasing me like a mouse and then she had me and then her tongue was suffocating me and her acid  _burned_ so much and I was so scared and you weren’t there!” Newt was back in hysterics by this time. He was chasing the rabbit and there was nothing that could stop him. “I was running and I looked for you everywhere but you were just gone and I just wanted to make sure you were alright and I’m so sorry I couldn’t find you!” he wailed.

“Newton?”

Hermann’s voice was low, calm, and so so so soft. “Look at me, liebe.” Newt hesitated. He didn’t want Hermann to see his face. There was no doubt he looked like the mess he knew he was. When he finally did, he was met with a small smile and eyes full of empathy that nearly made him break down again.

“I’m right here, Newton,” he said, thumbing the trails of tears on Newt’s cheeks away. “I have been for over a decade and I will be for as long as you’ll have me. It was simply a nightmare.”

“I-I know it was, but…” Newt sniffed, shuddering at the knowledge of Hermann being able to hear him fight back the snot and tears.

The mathematician pawed around on Newton’s night stand, grabbing the tissue box on the corner and offering it to the man in his lap. “Dry your eyes, Newton. All is well.”

Newt did as he was told, apologizing timidly for blowing his nose in Hermann’s space. After he cleaned himself up, they stayed in that position, Newt’s face buried in the crook of Hermann’s neck and nestled in his lap, until Newt’s leg muscles began to ache. He easily admitted to himself that he enjoyed sitting in Hermann’s lap, but he would need to work on his leg strength if he wanted to stay longer without putting too much weight on his partner’s hip.

Hands placed under his armpits lifted him up and made him squeak in surprise as he was gently relocated to Hermann’s side. Newt looked up into the mathematician’s eyes and the warm affection aimed at him was enough to make his heart skip 10,000 beats and had him holding his breath until the corners of his eyes grew fuzzy and fuck he wanted back onto Hermann’s lap.

“I love you,” he blurted, slapping a hand over his mouth when he realized what he said. His eyes were wide and he could feel his face burning with embarrassment. Then he kicked himself mentally because he realized how he must have looked to Hermann just then. “I-I mean I know I said it last night but we were sort of in the middle of some really emotional stuff and there was a lot of chemicals in my head that just sort of made me blurt it out. That was  _not_ how I wanted to tell you by the way, well neither is this but you know what? Fuck it! I love you, Hermann Gottlieb, you and your chalk and blackboards and sweater vests and those grandma glasses and—” Newt knew he had a point to that tangent, but when a pair of soft, thin lips covered his own, any and all function in his brain shut down.

Hermann pulled back, a rush of pride coursed through him when he saw the starry look in Newton’s eyes. He decided to take one more peck before pushing himself off the bed. His hip was screaming at him, shaming him for neglecting his stretches over the past few days.

“Wait!” Newt shouted, failing to keep the panic that flared up out of his voice.

“I’m going to fetch you a glass of water, Newton,” he soothed, “I won’t leave your sight, I promise.”

And sure enough, Hermann took a glass off of his dresser and limped over to his small, adjoined bathroom. Newt watched the entire time, and while he could still see him, he wasn’t happy about the situation. It was like not being in physical contact with Hermann was causing more damage to Newt’s psyche than the lingering tendrils of his nightmare were. While there were many parts of that he would have to analyze (later, waaaay later) he would wait, because Hermann was on his way back and all Newt wanted was to bury his face in his lab partner’s chest and forget about the last handful of minutes… except the parts where Hermann was coddling and comforting him and giving him little fish-kisses on his temples.

He definitely tried to do just that, but was declined as a cup of water was put into his hands.

“Geduld, Newton,” Hermann fussed lightly, carding his long fingers through Newton’s scruffy bedhead. He cursed as quietly as he could (which was not quiet at all at this particular moment) when he made to take a seat on the bed.

“Herms, everything alright?” The concern in Newton’s voice was both novel and confounding, and his features must have given that away as the xenobiologist quickly added, “Was that rude? I’m sorry, I always get upset when people ask me if I’m okay, but I always end up asking the same thing to other people, sorry, do you need anything? Want me to get something for you?”

“No, thank you, Newton, I’m fine, really, I am…” he breathed, settling down in a position that kept his hip from screeching at him.

“Hey, dude, come on…” Newt started, but wasn’t sure how to continue. He had a feeling that Hermann might act the same in this certain aspect. He couldn’t stand it when he wasn’t in a good place and someone asked him if he was ‘okay’. He never wanted to lie and say, ‘Yes, I’m fine, thank you’ (much like what Herms just did, his brain noted) but he didn’t want to tell the truth either. In the end it always made the matter worse and left him in a worse state than before.

“…Please let me help? It doesn’t have to be anything major, you have pain meds right? I can get them.”

“Newton,” Hermann protested, “really, I’m alright, I can get them myself.” He made to get up again, disregarding the hot whistling of nerves as he did so. A quick flick to his forehead stunned him in a multitude of ways.

Newton’s expression was soft, yet reprimanding. “Stop,” he said, his voice full of a sweetness Gottlieb was still not at all accustomed to. “You’ve been taking care of me since I woke up, let me return the favor. Let me do this, Herms. I want to.”

The engineer took a moment to study his partner. Newton looked so genuine that he was nodding before he could even think to object. Newt smiled and rushed over to the quarter’s right across the hall like a bat out of hell. Hermann let himself smile as he tried to relax onto the mattress. There was no doubt in his mind that he loved Newton.

And yet the words stayed caught in his throat.

Before he could really contemplate on why those three words were so difficult to say aloud, he drifted off to sleep again.

Newt trotted back into his room, triumphantly shaking a prescription for a strong pain medication. He immediately stopped (held his breath, really) when he noticed that Hermann was already out cold.

He chuckled softly, placing the bottle on the night stand before climbing into bed. As he pulled the blanket over the both of them, he curled up to Hermann’s side.

A flush of warmth washed over him when a slender arm wrapped itself around his shoulders.

Newt smiled and took that as his cue to snuggle closer.

“I really do love you, you know,” he mumbled as sleep found its way back to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone :) I hope you're doing well! I'll try my best to update sooner, but writer's block/my life are doing that voodoo that they do. Talk to me about Pacific Rim, lovelies! That never fails to get me excited! ALSO there's only 7 days left for the Beyond the Breach Fan Book Kickstarter!! If you can, back it! ;P
> 
> https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/alienfirst/beyond-the-breach-a-pacific-rim-fan-book
> 
> As always: stay beautiful! <3

**Author's Note:**

> While this is a work of fiction and we're going to have a fun time with our science babes (my most solemn promise!), I feel that I should say this, because it's something that sometimes you just really need to hear: You are not alone. And even if it feels like the world is burying you, you have the strength to climb out of it. You are perfect and you are strong and you can get through anything life decides to throw at you because you wouldn't be here right now if you couldn't. Stay beautiful, lovelies. <3


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